A glimpse...

The picture was of a typical Bar in Madrid. The Bar was covered typical ornate glossy blue and yellow tiles. The façade had large windows with wooden frames. Off to the left of the picture there was a man leaning against the tiles looking solemn. On the picture someone wrote in stark red “deje mi corazaon aqui” I left my heart here. A comment was added that said I used to walk past that bar every day when I lived in Madrid. Seeing that picture made me cry as I realized that I haven't been happy since I left.” Another comment that was added said “España robó mi corazón. yo no soy lo mismo” Spain stole my heart and I am not the same person. I read this post secret. com and empathized with their pain because I was feeling it too.

When going to someone’s country of ancestry one realizes that they had lost a part of themselves they never knew was missing. About a year and a half ago I studied in Sevilla Spain for a semester. I was finally going to visit the land of my great-grandparents. I was going to walk where they might have walked. I was going to worship as they worshiped. I was going to eat as they ate.

I am very aware of my ancestry and where they came from. To know who I am is to know who they were. I studied in Spain to experience the land of my antepasdaos. I knew it was going to change me. 

As soon as soon as my feet landed on the soil that had sustained my family for centuries I felt at home. As soon as I breathed in the salt-laden Mediterranean air I felt at ease and comfortable in my surroundings. I immediately felt that I belonged. It was as if something inside of me exclaimed this is home.

I am aware this sensation was aided because I speak Castilian. And because my family had retained a lot of the customs and general character traits that make Spaniards warm Mediterraneans. I could identify with la gente de España because I was more Spanish than I could ever imagine

People are the priority in Spain. They are willing to miss class and forget about their errands in order to have a conversation. They are one of the most hospitable people I have ever met. I would go and coffee with my professors and talk for hours. One time my professor Ana Lamarzaez rearranged her entire schedule and missed a prayer meeting to go out for coffee. Sure it seems easy enough but truthfully how many people would do that in the States? In Sevilla I would start conversations with local vendors and made a few friends as a result of it. The fact that they kiss strangers on the cheek speaks volumes of how relationship orientated they are. I identified with all this because these were the customs and norms within my home.
All these social paradigms allowed me to be my best. I went from being a mild extrovert and leader to a very vivacious extroverted leader. I planned and lead a trip to Madrid. Something I would have never done in the States. I produced and acted in series of skits which at the end of the semester our group performed as a gift for the staff.

In Spain I held my own with everyone I met. In Spain, I was in my element. Spain energized me in a way that no other place had ever done. I felt a confidence in Spain that I did not know I had. I felt at home in mi querida España.

From mid-semester on I began mentally preparing myself for leaving Spain. I knew that if I didn’t psyche myself out leaving would be unbearable and I was right. Leaving was difficult. I had to leave my friends, my comfort and part of myself. When I got back to the States I would think about my experience in Spain and I soul would become heavy.

As I try to reflect on this experience I ask myself why my soul is still weary about leaving Spain. My life is great. I have no complaints. I go to great a school. I have great friends, parents, and mentors.

I have been working on this post for two months because I haven’t been able to answer the question I posted above. I know my soul feels uneasy because I miss the people and the soil but it’s more than that. And I can’t name it but I think it might have to do with the fact that my soul caught a glimpse of who she created to be. She is uneasy because memories of Spain reminded her of the tension we encounter in the scriptures; the already here but not yet.

I need to do more reflection on this but it’s a start and its good enough.